Battling depression and the death of my boyfriend to drug addiction

I have been struggling with depression after losing my boyfriend of the past almost 3 years to drug addiction. As part as a healing process, I feel opening up and talking publicly about what I am going through may help other people going through a similar situation. This has been the most difficult experience I have ever gone through, and the amount of grief I am feeling is overwhelming.

I ask anyone who is personally going through (or knows someone that is) depression, drug addiction, or any mental health issues to seek help and to not feel ashamed for talking about it. You can heal, and you can help others. Our health care system makes it so difficult for people to get the proper help, and we must look out for one another.

Please do something before it becomes too late.

Thank you all for your continuous support and love as I get through this difficult time. It is so much appreciated.

My mind feels like a worn sweater that is falling apart, and each of its hanging threads is getting pulled into a different direction. My energy is all over the place. It has been hard to find my footing. It has been hard to get back into my flow state. I wanted to have stability and a purposeful life with you. My heart was filled with hope and love and the belief that we would transcend into the next chapter of our lives and overcome the adversity. But then it was suddenly gone. And now there is nothing but an empty hole of questions and sadness. Its like when you lose a wisdom tooth and there is that gap in your gum and you keep dragging your tongue across it, feeling the emptiness of it. The space will always be there, it will never go away.

I've been overwhelmed. While processing my own emotions, I am also dealing with the heaviness of everyone else. As his girlfriend and intimate partner, there has been feelings like people want to put some of the blame of his death onto me. There's been no closure, there is just a lingering sense of questions and a replay of scenarios that run through my mind, asking if I had done things differently then maybe the outcome of this situation would not be this. But we are in control of our own fate, right? So at the end of the day, it was your decision making that led you to your death. You chose to respond to situations the way you did.

No one knows what was really going on. No one understands the tumultuous relationship we had because of your drug use and the chaos that was associated around it. And the never-ending what if's and questions of my own inability to save me leave me with guilt and sorrow that I wasn't able to save you. It is mental torture.

I wish I could go back in time. I miss and love you every fucking day.