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Rest in peace Mac

There is a medical term called broken hard syndrome where one can develop heart murmurs and palpitations when they lose a person they love. My heart quivers and I feel it pounding in my chest in irregular rhythms as I think about you..about us …about all the experiences we have endured over the last years.

I can’t leave my bed. I don’t want to eat, drink or even move. I am just surrounded by a morbid cloud of darkness that is taking over my body, and I am shaking uncontrollably, gripping my sheets in agony and sobbing.. My tears drench my face to the point that my skin is stinging. My eye sockets are swollen and burning. The amount of pain from guilt, sorrow, regret, anger, and misery is so overwhelming and something I never felt before in my life. I just want to crawl into a hole and die from the feelings that are inside of me. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I just want to turn back the hands of time and change this outcome…but it is too late, and this existential nightmare is something that I have to face and confront, like a relentless and savage opponent in war.

I feel my body go into a convulsion because the pain is so unbearable that I feel I am going to die and be with you. I have been doing too much ketamine to try and manage this and the k pains are causing sharp pains in my solar plexus and it is debilitating. It feels like daggers inside of me. The haze is making me go in and out of conceptual consciousness, like a haunting fever dream that is making me question the threads of my existence and reality. I can’t accept what now is. I will never see you again on this Earth.

You left your body the early morning of tuesday, March 28th. Lifeless and alone, sitting inside your chevy silverado long bed pick up truck in the parking lot of PM Rehearsal studios in Burbank. Just a week or so before I was meeting you there and embracing you…talking about the future. Trying to heal you and our fucked up situation that we had gotten ourselves into.

I can’t fathom what your final thoughts were alone in your truck. The events leading up to that moment are so unbelievably devastating and hard to describe that I cannot breathe when I think about it. I can only imagine the suffering and darkness that shrouded your mind before you decided to leave this earth. Was it intentional? What is it an accident? Were you just flirting with death like you had done a couple of months before and just didn’t care about the possibility that you would die? I will never know. The last interactions we had were so horrendous - just completely full of fear and disbelief that our love had become such a violent turbulance. You were not the person that I had once knew and fell in love with. There was a demonic entity lingering in your presence and the drugs that you were consuming allowed it to take control of your soul. I was trying to fight it out of you. I was going to battle with you and the demons. But they were so strong, and you had lost self control of yourself that it made it impossible to bring you back into the light. You had succumbed to darkness, and were slipping away. Your mental state was completely deteriorating and I saw the life in your eyes start to drift away like a murky reflection ripple out in a dark pool of water. You were no longer Mac…you were a whorl of drug addiction and mental psychosis and you were hiding it from the world.

I spent literally almost every day of my life with you for the past two and a half years. I literally felt our souls intertwine in a way where we had become a part of each other. Our energies were so in synch with one another that it felt like we were one entity living in two vessels. Our lives were completely consumed with each other, and the level of passion, obsession, and connection that was between us is so hard to even describe in words. What started off as an adventurous and exciting love turned into a roller coaster of jealousy, addiction, possession, abuse and toxicity that eventually led to your tragic demise.

If only we had done things differently. If only we had gotten the help you needed from the beginning when I first observed your addiction patterns. But we were so caught up with the thrill of adventure and experience that we were denying the adversity in front of us. You were an addict and I was a woman torn between worlds. We were both lying, both hiding things. Both of us avoiding the reality that we needed to confront…and I was exhausted trying to convince you to commit to change. We just wanted to live and love and be free with each other...but our lack of responsibility of bringing resolve to the harsh facts that we were neglecting became a foreboding and impending doom that soon brought us to this horrible fate.

You are dead. There are no more chances for us to heal together on this Earth.

Just like money, drugs are a tool. They can both empower and destroy you. They both will teach you lessons in life that will alter the way you perceive yourself and your purpose. They will make you question your relationships with yourself and people. Choose wisely. Have discipline. Never lose self control. The way you use them will alter your trajectory and the direction you head into.

Working in different industries and navigating through life, I’ve seen too many people lose themselves to both.

I lost my twin flame and a beautiful soulmate who I loved so dearly to the darkness of addiction. The pain lingers in my heart and hurts every day, but it teaches me to be stronger, to be a better person, and to make other people aware of the harsh reality that exists.

Please seek help if you feel you are losing control of your life. YOU CAN HEAL AND YOU CAN IMPROVE YOUR LIFE. BUT YOU NEED TO TAKE THE STEPS TO GET THERE. DO IT & DO NOT GIVE UP.

I love and miss you so much. I feel your energy inside and around me and I will keep you inside of my heart for as long as my physical body walks this planet until one day I can meet you again in heaven and we can be in peace. Please help me use this pain as a catalyst to create positive change and honor you. This story will not go unheard and we will use this experience to help others. I will always love you Macaulay. You will live inside me forever & light my inner flame. ❤️‍🔥